From Invisible to Visible
Posted by Allison at 5/31/2008 9:10 AM and is filed under uncategorized 
As I sit here drinking my tasty coconut & raspberry smoothie I'm thinking about my recent experience at a clothing store where I was looking at racks of stuff I wished I could fit into. I so hate the clothes I'm stuck with at my current size! I would rather hide in my house than be seen the way I look now. I started remembering.... About six years ago when I got down to a size 10, I became visible. Despite having lived in the same neighborhood for 10 years, I started receiving attention I'd never gotten before. Strangers held doors open for me, employees waved to me inside the grocery stores. Browsers among bookstore shelves would chat with me about their literature choices. It was like I mattered to people- I was one of them.
As I regained the weight, though, I apparently began to become invisible again. One day I realized that once again, few sales people wanted to come over to offer assistance, fewer people smiled at me on the street, and fewer strangers chatted with me anywhere.
I was very bitter at the discovery that a friendlier, more inclusive world was being denied me as an overweight person. In response, I began to avoid situations that reminded me of my exclusion. No more visits to clothing stores that sell to smaller people. No more looking into strangers' eyes with a smile or a hello. I talked myself out of a lot of public activities, like visiting cafes or seeing movies and shows with friends (or even by myself). I've gotten to the point of not leaving my house unless I have to. The result is a boring, unimaginative life. A rut.
In my happiest moments I have usually found myself around people, enjoying the sunshine and feeling a part of the world I lived in. I was having new, unpredictable experiences that kept my mind alert and joyful. In my saddest moments I find myself stuck in a boring rut consisting of the same junk foods, following the same routines, holed up in my bedroom with only myself for company.
What to do? It seems the key for my health and happiness is to get out there and live the life I hope to live when I'm healthier. That means a little retail therapy to help myself feel better about my appearance right now. Some quality clothes and a good haircut, for example. Next, I need to remain mindful of the reasons I want to be healthy, so rather than just imagining what I'll do as a healthier person, I think I need to start doing those things now. I may not be able to wear the smaller sizes, but I can visit the clothing stores and stay on top of the styles that "speak" to me so I can be motivated to stay on my healthy track. I can also visit cafes and bookstores, which I used to love doing, so that I can be around people and keep my mind alert with new and interesting things. These are all things I've known I can do but it doesn't hurt to keep wrapping the ideas in new packages to get myself re-motivated.
All right, back to my coconut smoothie, and then... perhaps the movies!
As I regained the weight, though, I apparently began to become invisible again. One day I realized that once again, few sales people wanted to come over to offer assistance, fewer people smiled at me on the street, and fewer strangers chatted with me anywhere.
I was very bitter at the discovery that a friendlier, more inclusive world was being denied me as an overweight person. In response, I began to avoid situations that reminded me of my exclusion. No more visits to clothing stores that sell to smaller people. No more looking into strangers' eyes with a smile or a hello. I talked myself out of a lot of public activities, like visiting cafes or seeing movies and shows with friends (or even by myself). I've gotten to the point of not leaving my house unless I have to. The result is a boring, unimaginative life. A rut.
In my happiest moments I have usually found myself around people, enjoying the sunshine and feeling a part of the world I lived in. I was having new, unpredictable experiences that kept my mind alert and joyful. In my saddest moments I find myself stuck in a boring rut consisting of the same junk foods, following the same routines, holed up in my bedroom with only myself for company.
What to do? It seems the key for my health and happiness is to get out there and live the life I hope to live when I'm healthier. That means a little retail therapy to help myself feel better about my appearance right now. Some quality clothes and a good haircut, for example. Next, I need to remain mindful of the reasons I want to be healthy, so rather than just imagining what I'll do as a healthier person, I think I need to start doing those things now. I may not be able to wear the smaller sizes, but I can visit the clothing stores and stay on top of the styles that "speak" to me so I can be motivated to stay on my healthy track. I can also visit cafes and bookstores, which I used to love doing, so that I can be around people and keep my mind alert with new and interesting things. These are all things I've known I can do but it doesn't hurt to keep wrapping the ideas in new packages to get myself re-motivated.
All right, back to my coconut smoothie, and then... perhaps the movies!
Hi, Allison--
I admire your honesty in this post, and I feel for you in regard to the pain you have experienced in the world the way it is.
Don't wait for some magical weight--go out and get the things you want in life right now, just like you're talking about. That will be good for you right now and will also bring you closer to where you want to be on all levels.
Though I have never been what would be considered overweight, I went through a big transformation in my appearance many years ago and experienced a shift in people's reactions similar to what you described. It was shocking and sad to me.
I met my husband on the Internet more than 12 years ago. His weight puts him in the "obese" category. I have constantly been astounded at the obnoxious things people have said to him over the years. I never knew it was that bad for "overweight" people. I never knew people could be so cruel--blatantly and subtly.
My husband and I came to love each other through words (e-mails, etc.) and very quickly he said he wanted to marry me. I said, "You haven't even seen my picture yet and you want to marry me?" And he said, "If you had two heads, I would say, 'Nice profiles!'"
I thought, now this is man worth marrying. It isn't about bodies.
You are beautiful inside and out, Allison. Get out in that sunny life and take it. Forget the icky people!
I am amazed by you and what you are doing toward your transformation. I hope you feel proud and good. Take care.
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We live in a culture where values are based on greed; not on heart. At every turn we are bombarded with sick foods and then "health professionals" who give us drugs to combat the sick foods. It's utterly insane. Fresh, organic food is now mainstream and is so expensive that it pushes poverty and the illnesses of poor nutrition even further down the poverty line. And as a female (strike 1) of color (strike 2) and overweight (strike 3) our paradigm is invalidation, humiliation and downward spiraling. Am I angry? You bet I am!
I was talking to a male colleague of mine a few years ago. He has the corporate "look" and was in his late 20's/early 30's. I was higher up on the rung then he; but I told him that in a few years I would be working for him. "No way," he said! Oh, yes, I have the wrong anatomy, I'm overweight and over 50. "What!" he said, "You're over FIFTY?" God, I laughed so hard I thought I would fall down. He totally missed the point.
Anyway, my point is that our road is LONG and it's not EASY and the RIGHT thing is the HARD thing. I have felt like a freek at 160 pounds, and at 260 pounds and am slowly coming around to the realization that the more I succumb to the feelings of self-invalidation, the more I empower the Sick System and disempower myself.
So the best I can do is to find other like-minded folk who accept me for who I am in this very moment. And I have to accept myself in this very moment before they can. And I have to find a way to move through the blame, shame, invalidation, depression and other self-hurt thoughts and deeds. (This takes courage and is HARD)
I've found that the stains on my soul are deep and may never be scrubbed clean. But instead of being ashamed, I find that I can now say that I am a survivor. And in spite the fact that the culture I live in does not support my belief system, this is somehow making me stronger instead of weaker. Somewhere along the line, I turned a corner; well, a lot of corners!
And I just FEEL better, emotionally, physically and spiritually when I eat raw. And when I'm in a situation where I can't give myself 100% raw, well, then, I adjust. I don't make a big deal out of it and when I get home I have a green drink and alkalize and look back on how I could do better next time (bring an avocado, etc.)
So I say here, go look in the mirror and thank your body for the wisdom it shares with you instead of fighting it and LOVE yourself just as you are in THIS VERY MOMENT. Why? Because God (Goddess, The Universe, whatever) hears you and it will all unfold in time. Have faith, hope and joy.
*May many blessings befall your path and may you be conscious enough to pick them up and be grateful*
Alison, and ALL WOMEN WHO ARE STRUGGLING, I Honor You for making it this far along your path(s) and send you Love from my heart - Joy
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Wow, Allison, I cried when I read this, it brought up emotions from similar situations that I've experienced. Then I read Joy's comment and cried again. This blogging thing sure brings out some beautiful women. You ARE beautiful! ...and the way you write... simply, intricately, intelligently... and me? I just babble! haha!
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